Parental Alienation Cycle of Pain

 

Damn, I had been doing so well for such a long time.

Coping with parental alienation is something that is just impossible to accurately explain. 

You have this tremendous pain that is with you all the time. So you learn to cope with it. And then life does it thing and you find happiness.

And the moment you feel genuine happiness, you are overwhelmed with guilt for living you’re life and having these moments of happiness. 

Because “happiness” without your child in your life, being there to watch them grow, being a parent…it’s an oxymoron.

The problem is that the happiness in life just randomly stops on a given day, and you get hit with this tsunami of “I’m not doing enough” or “I’m not fighting hard enough”. You constantly contact your lawyers, and get nowhere.

And then the cycle begins again, you find happiness, feel guilty for living your life, and then feel crushed again. 

It never ends.

It’s been a while since I’ve had a day like this. About 6 months.

I had plans to go out tonight for a friends birthday, getting to see some people I haven’t seen since before the pandemic.

I was excited.

And then I woke up with a feeling of dread. I miss Alexander deeply and l feel I’ve failed him because whatever I’ve done for 4 years hasn’t been enough.

I’ve had this lump in my throat and just want to cry. And that is exactly what the alienators want to happen.

There’s no way to win. Either you give up and focus on happiness or you keep fighting.

Either path is torture.

So I keep fighting and take these hits. 

But finding the emotional energy to go out some nights can be too much. 

That lump is there in your throat and you know you aren’t in a place to talk about it on a night out. And at the same time, you know a night out socializing is the best medicine. 

Again a lose/lose situation.

It’s very difficult to give advice to other sufferers of parental alienation, because there is no correct answer. The parent suffers, the children suffer, and there’s nothing that can be done but have patience. 

But it’s the waiting that hurts so much. 

So for anyone else suffering from parental alienation, the only advice I can give is to be strong. Endure the pain. It might be a lifelong marathon, it will hurt, but be there to finish the race. I will.

I love you, Alexander.