Tuesday, March 28, 2023

Parental Alienation and the Absence of Support

Yesterday was a difficult day. All day long I was dealing with issues from my lawyers regarding my cases to end the custodial blocking and be reunited with my little boy.

Same issues I’ve dealt with for the past 5 years, a general sense of inaction. Things that should have been done a month ago are still in a holding pattern. It can get so frustrating.

This definitely had an effect on me come nighttime.

I often dream of Alexander when I sleep and it’s the happiest times for me. I can’t wait to goto sleep each night hoping to “see” him. 

He even speaks English in my dreams. Regardless of if it’s English or Spanish, we are always happy together in my dreams as we have always been in the waking world.

Last night was different. 

I’m my dream, there was some sort of earthquake…and I couldn’t find Alexander. I was looking everywhere, going everywhere possible, digging, trying to find him, calling out his name over and over and quietly listening for a response.

While I was on my mission to rescue my son, I was coming across lots of different people in my life. And through it all, nobody would help me find Alexander, to rescue him. But I had no time for that heavy disappointment, I had to keep on my mission to rescue Alexander.

Finally after calling out again “ALEXANDER, ALEXANDER”, through a muffled impenetrable floor, I head a faint call from him: “PAPA!”.

But I couldn’t get to him. He was too far away, deep below the flooring.

My mind told me I had suffered enough and woke me up.

Parental alienation is so hard.

My soul is so desperate to be a part of my sons life that in my dreams, the voice of my son that I heard was his real life calls to me when he’d wake up at night as a child. It was never “mama” growing up, it was always “Papa!”. And I’d wake up and goto his room to help him fall back asleep, often with him softly holding my hand as he drifted off.

The reality of parental alienation and custodial blocking is that it’s such a lonely experience. 

We never feel true support from others in our lives because unless they went through it themselves, there is no way to have true empathy. I just thought about this yesterday, how people can have empathy for the macro of “a father not being able to see his son”, but nobody ever really understands all of the micro pains that we have to experience daily.

So even something like issues with lawyers is extremely triggering because you feel like you’re getting no support from your natural support network, and now the people you are actually employing to fight with you seem to be letting you down. 

I have this appointment in my daily calendar as a reminder for myself, that with each passing day, it’s not another day I’ve been apart from my 7 year old son over these past 5 years, but it’s a day closer to being with him again.

Today has been a rough morning. I look forward to 5pm today. I can rest up and fight for another day.


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